


Safe Haven

by Melime



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Character Death Fix, Developing Relationship, F/F, Getting Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 14:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6707365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From when they barely knew each other, to when they became each other's source of comfort, a relationship told in between the many crisis of the Pegasus galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe Haven

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Refúgio](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6814258) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)
  * Inspired by [Nightingale](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6525406) by [FalconHorus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FalconHorus/pseuds/FalconHorus). 



> Thank you so much to [FalconHorus](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FalconHorus/) for the idea that inspired this, and to be honest, for making me truly fall for this amazing ship. Also, many thank to my beta [Alfer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Alfer/), with extra kudos to the fact that she was still able to beta this even though I took so long to send it to her, as always all the mistakes are mine.
> 
> Written for the SGA Reverse Bang 2016.
> 
> This was actually written as non-linear narrative (as in I both planned and wrote it in non-chronological order), but then I edited it to put it in chronological order because I think it will be easier to understand as such, I hope I made the right call. The story happens between The Gift and Doppelganger, and most of the scenes happen during episodes.

Teyla couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t exactly that the nightmares scared her, although they did, to a point. She felt more anxious than fearful, and the little sleep she was getting did nothing to relieve that anxiety, instead worsening it. The stressful days of preparation for the attack combined with the restless nights were proving themselves to be a great challenge, one that she felt too exhausted to face. Her usual meditation techniques failed to calm the turmoil in her mind, a pattern that repeated itself after each culling, after each friend and loved one lost to the Wraith, but while in the past that meant a few sleepless nights, quickly followed by the need to move on, now the presence of the Wraith was a constant pressure.

It was late when she decided to leave her room. Perhaps a change of scenery and some tea would be enough to help her regain some hint of peace of mind. She wouldn’t truly relax until the immediate threat passed, and even then, the Wraith would remain as a constant shadow in the back of her mind, but she couldn’t hope to remain useful if she didn’t manage to rest in the meantime.

She found herself in the mess hall, nearly empty at this hour, but not quite. A city populated by scientists and soldiers meant that keeping odd hours was the rule, rather than the exception. Although the kitchen staff wasn’t on rotation this late, they always made sure to leave snacks, various beverages, and hot water available at all hours, as well as a well-supplied coffeemaker, especially now that so many of the scientists were trying to replace sleep entirely for coffee and stimulants.

She took one of the Athosian teapots, left there at the disposal of whomever wanted to use them. It was one of the many pieces of home that could be found in Atlantis, the small details that helped make the foreign familiar and remind her that although her planet was gone, her people were still thriving. She slowly picked the herbs, letting her nose and her hands guide the blend, allowing instinct and habit to take over and release the burden of choice from her tired mind.

She placed the teapot and cup on a tray, briefly considering but deciding against getting something to eat; she had enough sleepless nights to know that food would only make it harder for her to rest. She took her tray and turned, scanning the room for a place to sit. She was headed for a table near the edge, hoping that the sound of the waves and the smell of the ocean would help her to relax, when she saw Dr. Heightmeyer, sitting alone.

Teyla was ashamed for the way she treated the doctor earlier, even though she had already apologized. Just sparing a moment’s thought, she headed for that table.

“Excuse me, may I sit here?” she asked.

Kate looked up, seeming lost for a moment, as if she had been ripped away from deep thoughts. “Teyla, please,” she said, gesturing towards the empty chair in front of her. “Have you had another nightmare?”

“No,” Teyla said while sitting down, “although I certainly wouldn’t bother you this late at night even if that was the case. Actually, Dr. Heightmeyer, I wanted to apologize for my earlier behavior.”

“Please, call me Kate, and you have nothing to apologize for.”

“I was rude, and lacked consideration with you and your profession, and for that I’m sorry.”

“You felt as if your trust in Major Sheppard had been betrayed and lashed out, that’s understandable. You are also the leader of your people, and if you allow me to say this, in my experience, leaders often have a certain opposition to seeking medical help, especially when what troubles them are issues of the mind. With leadership comes the expectation of a level of strength and resilience that simply isn’t possible to achieve.”

“A leader must deal with all the problems of their people, as well as their own problems, so what is required of them is no more than what’s necessary.”

“Perhaps, but in any case, you don’t have to do this alone. I’m here to care for the wellbeing of everyone in this city, and it’s a job that I’m glad to do.”

Teyla lowered her eyes, then looked back at Kate. “It must be hard, caring for so many people, needing to be available at all hours.”

“It’s been a challenge, but I knew it would be when I decided to come. I imagine it mustn’t be easy for you either, caring for your people, defending their interests, and being a part of Sheppard’s team.”

“It is, as you said, a challenge. However, many of the previous difficulties that my people suffered have been alleviated, so I would say it’s a fair trade. One that I’m glad to have made.”

“Even though now we face the threat of a Wraith attack here just as you did in your home planet?”

“On Athos, we had no defense against the Wraith; all we could do was hide and hope that not many of our people were taken. Here we are preparing to defend the city against them, and this is why my people has chosen to stay. After countless generations of being slaughtered without any means of achieving safety, now we can hope to fight back, to make a stand.”

Kate nodded in understanding. “On Earth, we have something called international law, which is a set of rules that guides how the many countries should interact with each other, and one of the cardinal basis of these rules is the principle of self-determination. We believe that every nation has the right to decide their own fate without interference, and this is something that is very important to us. The Wraith took this right away from the people of Pegasus, so I can see why having the freedom to stay and fight is so important to you and your people.”

Teyla gave a faint smile. “I’m glad that you understand. Sometimes it feels as if the people here, especially the soldiers, think that we should stay out of this, patiently waiting for them to rescue the entire galaxy, as if this isn’t our homeland.”

“I’m afraid this isn’t an issue just here. My country has a history of acting as if it has the right to intervene in any situation, meddling in other people’s affairs under the guise of liberating them from what is said to be an unsafe situation or an oppressive regime, even though that’s never the real motive behind that intervention. However, I believe the soldiers’ intentions are good, they just need to work in collaboration with the people we are trying to help.”

“So on Earth people can live without interference, until a more powerful nation decides they know what’s best and interferes just the same, without any regards to that people’s actual desires?”

Kate sighed. “We create these principles because they are something that we hope to achieve one day, and in hopes of holding accountable the nations that disrespect them. It’s not a perfect system, and we still have a lot of work before we can present as a true unified planet, but I believe that once the existence of other populated worlds becomes public knowledge, the road ahead will become shorter. We haven’t faced an external threat known to the public in millennia, and unfortunately, sometimes when lacking enemies the people will turn on each other.”

Teyla nodded, taking a moment to digest this information. “Earth seems like a fascinating place, albeit somewhat confusing.”

“Perhaps one day you’ll be able to visit. There are many beautiful things about Earth, I’m sure you would like it.”

“Tell me of Earth, what do you love about your planet?”

By the time Teyla left for her room, she had forgotten about her tea until it was too cold to drink, but she was slightly more relaxed. She would still have a nightmare that night, and she would still be tired the next morning, but in a chaotic life with the constant threat of death, even small moments of peace had a value that couldn’t be ignored.

\---

Kate admired Teyla’s strength. Kate could see the effect that the connection with the Wraith had on her, but Teyla was still so willing to risk her safety to find anything that could help them. After her time of work at the SGC and now with the Atlantis expedition, Kate was used to the noble self-sacrificing tendencies so many of her patients presented, but that didn’t make her ethical conflict disappear.

If she were to think of the wellbeing of her patient, she should put a stop to this before any more damage was made. She couldn’t even imagine how traumatic this whole experience was to Teyla, and she had no way of telling if Teyla’s mind could survive continued connections. However, Teyla wished to continue, and their very survival might depend on the success of her endeavor. Therefore, Kate could only advise her of the dangers of continuing, not force her to stop, and hope that no further harm came to her.

\---

Teyla admired Kate’s calm. As the hive ships approached, panic was starting to take over the city, but she remained a beacon of rationality and tranquility, dealing with everyone’s problems while keeping an unstirred façade of calm. It wasn’t an easy task, tranquilizing the terrified who faced impending doom, and it was one that Teyla knew well enough to appreciate, now that she could think clearly about it.

\---

Kate was overwhelmed. It was all too much, the fear, and the deaths, and the ones who wished they were dead. Things always got worse after the storm. It was when the threat had passed that the mind could start to process what had happened. With no more ships on the way and the city for now safe, everyone could take a breath and allow the weight of everything that happened in the past few weeks to settle. The consequences of losing friends and too many nights of sleep, of weeks of constant fear, of being kept functional just by the use of stimulants because there was yet another thing that had to be ready in time, of compartmentalizing everything because that wasn’t the time to deal with things, were made evident in the couple of days that followed the attack. People were falling apart, one by one, unable to continue to hold the flood of feelings within.

And Kate was in the middle of it all. She had to keep them afloat, and keep them functional enough to perform their duties, because a connection to Earth still didn’t mean they could be easily replaceable. She requested that more psychiatrists were sent with the new personnel, but they would need weeks to arrive, and in the meantime, the mental health of the expedition was entirely her responsibility. It was too much for a single person to handle, and yet she had to, otherwise no one would and that would create its own set of problems. She had to keep working as if all was well and had to conceal her own exhaustion, even though at this point she was forced to work from early morning until late at night, and still had to refuse patients, scheduling appointments with days in advance.

She was taking a moment for herself now, hidden in one of the many piers, justifying her break to herself by taking her dinner with her. She should be heading back to bed, as she had appointments starting very early the following day. However, sleeping just meant having to wake up for more obligations, and she was enjoying the peace and solitude of the pier.

She had finished her dinner, and was admiring the view when Teyla came.

“Kate? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you,” she said, turning to leave.

“Teyla, please have a seat. You aren’t disturbing me,” she replied before the other could leave.

Teyla sat down next to her. “I was looking for place to meditate. Even though we are no longer under threat of attack, the past few days haven’t been exactly calm.”

“Yes, I’ve heard Dr. Weir placed you in command of Atlantis while she’s gone. That’s no small task.”

“I have to say I’ll be relieved once she returns.”

“And you are looking for Lt. Ford, aren’t you? I was horrified to learn of what had happened to him.”

Teyla nodded sadly. “I have never heard of such occurrence, not even in legends, although I’m still trying to learn more of his condition. I wish I could be out there looking for him, but my duty to Atlantis must come first.”

Kate placed a comforting hand on her arm. “You’ll find him. The Pegasus galaxy may be a big place, but there are only so many habitable worlds with gates, and he’s an outsider. Someone will have heard of him.”

“I hope so, for his sake as well as all of Atlantis’. I don’t believe he would ever betray us to the Wraith, but he’s not himself, and in his despair to obtain more of the enzyme, he might fall victim to them. I’m sorry, I came here, disturbed your peace, and now I’m only talking about my problems. Why are you in this isolated part of the city?”

Kate smiled, it wasn’t often that people remembered that she could have problems too. “I was just looking for some quiet time, I’ve been having a lot of work these days, but don’t worry, you are in no way disturbing me.”

“Are you sure? I can leave.”

“Your company is quite calming, actually.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

\---

Teyla couldn’t believe they came so close, just to lose him again. It couldn’t be said that their mission was a complete failure, they had determined that Aiden was alive and moderately well, given the circumstances, and they had rescued a runner, who could yet prove to be a valuable ally against the Wraith. However, it was hard not to concentrate on how they almost rescued Aiden, just to have him volunteer himself for capture by the Wraith just to evade them. She couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to him now, if he would be found and killed, or fed upon, or if he would manage to escape the ship and keep on running.

“May I sit here?” Kate asked, having come to the table where Teyla was sitting alone.

Teyla needed a second to situate herself. “Of course. I’m sorry, I was distracted.”

“I can imagine,” Kate said while sitting. “I heard about what happened in your last mission, and wanted to check how you are doing.”

“Did John tell you to do this?” Teyla asked with suspicion.

“No, I haven’t talked to Colonel Sheppard yet. In fact, I suspect that he’s avoiding me, since Dr. Weir instructed him to come talk to me about what happened. I was just worried about you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“You weren’t, don’t worry. It’s my understanding that you were held captive along with Colonel Sheppard by the man you eventually brought to Atlantis.”

“He wasn’t trying to hurt us. From what I’ve heard of the runners, his life mustn’t have been easy, he had cause to be wary of strangers.”

“Dr. Weir asked me to meet with him, to evaluate his mental state to determine his conditions to stay in Atlantis on a long term basis, but I haven’t had the opportunity to meet him yet.”

“I don’t believe he will cooperate with that effort, he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would approve of being evaluated.”

Kate nodded. “I could tell that from what I’ve read in yours and the Colonel’s reports, but there’s more than one way to evaluate someone. I’m sure I’ll find a way to learn more about him. I’m sorry you couldn’t bring Lt Ford home.”

“We found him this time, we will found him again. I just hope it’s not too late to save him from the effects of the enzyme. It wasn’t made to be used in such fashion, and I’m afraid the damage done to his body becomes irreparable.”

“I’m sure that you will find him soon, and when you do, we’ll do everything in our power to restore his health.” Seeing Teyla’s saddened expression, Kate decided to change the subject. “Did you see that one of the new teams managed to trade for a large variety of fruits? They are already starting to be incorporated to the menu.”

Teyla didn’t comment on the obvious change of subject, glad to have a lighter conversation. “Yes, I noticed. It remains interesting to see how Pegasus’ ingredients are being incorporated to Earth’s recipes.”

“Have you tried the muffins? Other than being orange, they are quite alike the blueberry muffins we had on Earth.”

“No, I haven’t had the opportunity yet. I did notice that some people were quite eager to get them.”

Kate smiled. “It’s because they are absolutely divine. We can share mine if you want to, they are probably going to remain strongly disputed for a long time.”

They spent the rest of lunch talking, about nothing and everything and anything in between. It was a relief, to be able to have a conversation like this, without much care as to what was being actually said because the company was more important than the words, and it was a privilege neither of them had often, but both desperately needed.

\---

Kate couldn’t help but feel guilty. Two consciences sharing a body was outside of her field of expertise, and in trying to help, she might have worsened the situation. In retrospect, she could see she was so worried about Cadman’s situation, trapped in someone else’s body with no perspective of being returned to her own and no control, that she neglected to consider the effects of relinquishing control over one’s own body. She didn’t expect Cadman to abuse the control she was given or fight McKay like she did. In fact, Kate was horrified to learn that Cadman had forced McKay’s body to kiss two people, one of whom wasn’t aware of his condition.

She hoped to get both of them to return to therapy, to deal with what happened during their time sharing a body, but she knew that it would be next to impossible unless it was ordered by Weir. However, it would be precipitated to ask this of her now. For now, both of them remained unconscious, and before they woke up, there was no way of knowing if they would suffer any lasting effects.

She kept trying to think of what she could have done different, with the data she had available at the time, and kept turning up empty. And yet, she couldn’t rid herself of the guilty, probably wouldn’t be able to until she knew they were safe. Her work at the SGC had prepared her for a lot, but the challenges presented by the Pegasus galaxy were still far greater. Sometimes she wondered how could anyone hope to be qualified enough to do what was required of them. However, that was also a reflexion of human nature, no challenge too big the consequences be damned.

She had gone to the infirmary to enquiry about their state, but now she didn’t want to leave until she could see for herself that they would recover. Dr. Beckett offered to call her on her radio in case of any changes, but she had preferred to stay there, at least for a while longer. She was sitting at the waiting room for just a few minutes when she saw Teyla coming from the patient’s area.

“Is something wrong?” Kate asked her.

Teyla shook her head, sitting by Kate’s side. “Dr. Beckett asked that only one person stayed by Rodney’s bedside at a time, and John refused to leave. He is more worried that he would allow himself to admit.”

“You don’t have to stay here, I’m sure Colonel Sheppard wouldn’t mind calling you when he wanted to leave.”

“I don’t believe John will leave before Rodney awakes. I would like to stay for a while longer as well. We already lost one team member, and today we came dangerously close to losing another one.”

Kate placed a hand on Teyla’s arm. “Dr. Beckett assured me that physically, both Cadman and McKay are out of harm's way, and that their brain scans don’t show any anomalies.”

“He also said that he wouldn’t be sure of any possible side effects until they had both awakened. I know the doctor is just being cautious, but I’ll sleep easier once he confirms that this incident won’t have any lasting consequences.”

“I can’t say that I don’t understand.”

“And why are you here?”

Kate blushed slightly, as if she had been caught doing something wrong, even though she knew there wasn’t a problem with her presence there. “I have to confess that I’m also worried about Cadman and McKay. My medical advice may have further endangered their lives, and I need to know that they will make a full recovery.”

“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known what would happen.”

“I know. Still, I’ll feel better once I know they’ll be all right.”

Teyla nodded. They didn’t talk anymore, but kept each other company in a silent vigil.

\---

Teyla still didn’t feel like herself. The Wraith enzyme was highly addictive, even if they had only used it for a short period and only in small dosages. The worst of the intoxication had passed, and they were released back to their own rooms, but she still felt substantially different from her usual self. Adding to that the guilty she felt over not being able to help Aiden, she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep, but she still had to try, and yet it seemed like even trying was an impossible task. The walls of the room seemed to be closing down around her, the air weighed heavily against her chest, making it hard to breathe, her mind seemed to be going simultaneously too fast and too slow, her muscles felt as if they were dissolving, and all the noise sounded muffled and yet too loud. All to be expected, according to Dr. Beckett, but knowing that didn’t make the situation any less unpleasant. She knew as well that it would soon pass, but for the moment it was almost unbearable.

She had been trying for a couple of hours when she decided to give up. This wasn’t productive in the slightest, and she was only feeling more tired. When she left her room, she didn’t know where to go. John had been too heavily affected by what happened to Aiden, and Ronon and Rodney were also dealing with the effects of withdrawal, so it wasn’t fair to go to either of them for help. Instead, she walked around aimlessly for a while, and found herself back at the personal quarters corridor, passing in front of Kate’s room.

Teyla didn’t want to bother Kate at this hour. She knew how difficult and demanding Kate’s job was, and didn’t want to add to the pressure, but it was as if she had been subconsciously drawn there. After a moment’s hesitation, she knocked on the door quietly, assuming that if Kate was sleeping this wouldn’t make her wake up.

As luck would have it, Kate was still awake, and came quickly to the door.

“Teyla, is there something wrong?”

Teyla shook her head, somewhat embarrassed to be asking this. “No, I was just wondering if you were busy.”

Kate looked back at the desk in her room. “Just finishing some reports, nothing important, and something I could definitely use a break from. What do you need?”

“I just wanted to see if you can make me some company. As Kate, not as Dr. Heightmeyer. I just… after what happened, I could use a friend.”

Kate smiled and moved away to let Teyla enter. “Of course, you know I’ll always be here for you when you need me.”

They talked for hours after that, not about Aiden or the Wraith enzyme, but about anything else they could think of: how fast would the last shipment of popcorn end, the new movies that had just arrived, how were things in New Athos, Zelenka’s plan to build an ice ring in the east tower, the kitchen staff’s latest attempts to recreate a variety of Earth sweets using Pegasus’ fruits…

Neither of them would be able to precise when they moved the conversation from the uncomfortable chairs to the bed that should be too small for two people to sit comfortably, but wasn’t. Sleep took them both naturally, and neither of them thought anything of it when they woke up at ease next to each other.

\---

They were having a picnic when Kate realized that things had gone too far. At some point, she had crossed the line of what was appropriate. The temptation to get close to someone, anyone, after so long having to keep a professional distance from everyone in Atlantis, was too great, but she couldn’t forget that Teyla was also her patient. The closer they got, the easier it was to forget that, and begin to see her as a friend, maybe even something more, but she had to remain professional.

Stepping back from getting closer to someone was considerably harder to do than never getting close to them in the first place. She wasn’t sure how they could repair their professional relationship and return to a level of distance that would be more adequate than what they were doing now.

“Teyla, I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should do this anymore,” she said suddenly.

“Do what? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

Kate took a deep breath. She didn’t know how to explain this to someone who came from a culture where this sort of professional distance didn’t exist. What Teyla did for her people while she was still their leader demanded that she be close to all of them and know them well, so it was difficult to think of a way to explain why to Kate it was so far from what was she should do.

“I’m afraid that my behavior has been inadequate. We have certain rules on Earth, well, at least in my country, about how doctors should relate to their patients, and there are boundaries that I believe that I have crossed, which can’t be repeated in the future.”

“But Dr. Beckett is friends with Rodney, are the rules different for his country?”

Kate shook her head. “No, the rules are different for the kind of doctor that he is. Dr. Beckett is primarily a researcher, but even in his care as a physician, being friends with his patients isn’t a problem as long as he can still remain professional, which he proved he can. But since my job is to deal with the mind, I don’t have the same liberty.” She went on, talking about what was and wasn’t appropriated for mental health professionals, probably for longer than she should have. She touched briefly on the subject of romantic relationships, but only in passing, as she didn’t want to give any indication of her own developing feelings, since her continued treatment of Teyla depended on that.

Teyla listen attentively, and perhaps she was hearing what Kate wasn’t saying, because when she was done, Teyla closed her eyes and nodded slowly in understanding, and answered in a tone that had more seriousness in it than it would seem to be necessary, “If you think this is best, I will defer to your expertise.”

When Kate left, she left with the impression that she had walked away on something more than just a friendship, and even more significative than a romantic relationship could ever be.

\---

After what she was almost forced to do, she wanted nothing more than to have someone to talk to. Being forced to choose between John’s life and the lives of most of the expedition was the hardest decision she had ever taken, and even if ultimately it was proven not to be necessary, she now knew the answer to a question she never wanted asked. She was now sure she could kill a friend, a close friend even, perhaps her closest friend, in the name of the greater good.

She couldn’t lie to herself and say that she couldn’t have done it, because she was ready to attack, and the alert came not a second too soon. One more moment, and she would have killed John in cold blood, while he laid defenseless on the ground. She had killed like that before, back when she still lived among her people, killed men that could no longer defend themselves and posed no immediate threat, but that couldn’t be allowed to leave, or else they would claim many more lives in the future. The Athosians didn’t have the structure necessary to house permanent prisoners, nor could they spare the resources that would be necessary to do so. And yet, public executions, even when justified by the need to keep the whole village safe, were frowned upon, seen as barbaric. They couldn’t have those executions written in their law, and as their leader she had to take the burden onto herself to deal with these cases. The others would be told that the prisoner escaped during the night, but not to be afraid, because he no longer posed a threat, while only a handful would know the truth, that she would kill them, still bound if need be, for the good of her people. It was a heavy burden that she thought she would never have to face again, but now there it was, and she was still the same person, or even worse, because before she would never have thought she could justify to herself murdering a friend like this.

She almost went looking for Kate, but when she was on her way, she realized that it wasn’t Dr. Heightmeyer that she wanted to talk to, but her friend Kate, and that that was no longer an option. She understood Kate’s reasons, or at least she thought that she did, but that didn’t make things easier. She wouldn’t have minded keeping their friendship as it was, if that was what Kate wanted, but Teyla could see that she was afraid that it was developing into something else. Kate hadn’t said so in so many words, but the meaning behind they last conversation was clear.

Teyla felt a pain in her chest in being reminded that she had lost a friend, and although she wouldn’t put it that way, she had also lost an important part of her support system. Now that she was no longer living with her people, she didn’t have so many friends, at least not friends she was in close contact with, and going from knowing everyone in her village to that was a shock, and one she had trouble adjusting to. She valued her friends highly, and losing anyone of them pained her greatly, but this wasn’t her decision to make and she couldn’t interfere on it. If this was what Kate wanted, she could respect her wishes, even if that meant that now Teyla had no one she could truly talk to.

\---

If it was another time, they could have discussed this rationally, and each saw the reason in the other’s argument, but this was about more than just Michael, more than just what they were doing to him.

Teyla was hurt, and she didn’t want to admit, not even to herself, so when Kate refused to take her side on the issue, she had a perfect excuse to project her anger. She felt very strongly about how wrong what they were doing was, but not so much as to be fighting like this with someone she once considered a friend, and it was easier to pretend this was just about an ethical issue than to admit that she had feelings she was now supposed to ignore.

Kate tried to remain calm, and that had only escalated the issue further, to the point they were a step away from yelling at each other. She knew that Teyla wasn’t exactly wrong, and that she should admit that, but admitting that she herself could be wrong in this issue was just a step away from admitting that she could be wrong about another decision she had made, and she couldn’t do that, not even to herself.

And as such, the wedge between them grew deeper.

\---

In the blink of an eye, their lives changed. Atlantis wasn’t just an outpost, it had become a home for many of the expedition members, and now it was lost to them. The arrival of the Ancients should be seen as a sign of hope, both by the Tau’ri and by the Athosians, but it was instead a fatal blow to their odds in this war.

Kate immediately had been offered to return to her former position at the SGC, which she accepted, for a lack of a better alternative. She could easily find a different job if she so wished, but how could anything she could do on Earth compare to her work in Atlantis? Even the challenges she would find in the SGC couldn’t compare with everything she saw in the past two and a half years, if past experience was any indicator.

She was still in shock. She couldn’t believe that they were being taken from their home so unceremoniously, even though she could understand why the Ancients would want to take their city back. The ones who abandoned the city returned to reclaim it from those who had rescued it and shed blood to protect it. Both sides were right from their own perspective, both had reason to feel frustrated. She could understand that, and yet she was human, she couldn’t help but feel they were being victims of a great injustice. Atlantis was their home, and it was theirs, perhaps not as much as it was the Ancients’, but it was still theirs, and they deserved better than to be asked to leave with so little notice, perhaps never to return again.

She finished packing quite quickly; when they first came, there wasn’t enough space to bring many personal items, and even when contact with Earth was reestablished, the Daedalus’ storage space was limited and its travels were far between, so all of Atlantis’ personnel had to learn to live with little more than what they could carry. It was strange, that everything she owned on Pegasus’ could fit in a couple bags, when she felt she was carrying so much back with her.

Kate didn’t know where she was going when she left her room. She didn’t have anything else to do, and her help wasn’t necessary for the evacuation efforts. She was walking aimlessly when she met Teyla.

“Kate, do you need any help gathering your things?” Teyla asked after greeting her.

Kate shook her head. “I’ve finished packing, and I only have two bags. And you? You are also being forced out of your home.”

Teyla smiled sadly. “I was taught that I should always be able to gather everything that is important to me quickly, and all things considered, there are worse ways to be forced out of one’s home.”

“Of course. Of all the ways this expedition could have ended, this is certainly not one of the worst, but I still wish it had lasted longer. Will you be staying in Pegasus?”

“Yes, it’s where I belong. John invited me and Ronon to Earth, but we can’t go, our place is here,” she paused, the silence weighing heavily between them. “You are welcome to stay if you want to. I’ll be returning to my people, and they have extended their hospitality to anyone who wishes to stay here.”

Words not said hanged between them, choices not made and chances not taken. This felt like a final opportunity, a last chance to change her decision, but it wasn’t, not really. Staying in Pegasus was no more possible for her than going to Earth was to Teyla. Staying behind without the expedition would have a taste of abandoning her kind that wasn’t like going in the first place without any guarantees that she would return, because in this case she would be cutting all ties to Earth. No, she couldn’t stay, and Teyla couldn’t go, either scenario would be too much to ask of the other, especially when even professional boundaries had proven to be something that Kate wasn’t willing to violate.

“I can’t. It’s funny, I didn’t think I had anything left on Earth that I would mind never seeing again, but it seems that our culture and our people is something I don’t think I can live without.”

“I understand. I have been drifting away from my people, but the idea of never seeing them again it’s unthinkable. Although, I will miss you as well, deeply.”

“I wish something could have been different.” She wasn’t talking about them leaving, not exactly, it was about much more than that.

“Me too.”

\---

Kate came back with the rest of the crew, but she didn’t went looking for Teyla. Nothing had changed, not really, and they still couldn’t even be truly friends, much less anything else.

She would like to have said that almost losing everything changed her perspective on things, but that wouldn’t be true. Yes, she had spent weeks on Earth, missing the life she had in Atlantis, and she had had a taste of how tedious anything else she could do would be after the amazing experiences she had there, but this had only enforced her resolution that things should remain as they were. Her professional role was more important now than it had ever been, and she was now more sure than ever that she shouldn’t do anything to jeopardize her professional ethics. Or so she tried to convince herself, even though that same touch of doubt that existed before was still there.

Nothing changed, she repeated to herself, nothing had to change. She had finally achieved what she wanted, she had pushed Teyla away, the only person she had made a connection with in that galaxy, and she had managed to refuse her friendship in every turn. Kate didn’t understand herself, but wasn’t that a classic? She was an expert at reading people, and brilliant at her job, but her own feelings were a mystery to her.

And yet, with the death of the last known living Ancients excluding those that had ascended, and the city being retaken from the Asurans, everyone had too much to do for her to be worrying about something as inconsequential as her feelings. She had bigger problems, including dealing with a whole contingent of people that were returning to the place they thought of as home after being forced away and thinking they would never return, and she could say that she herself was included in that group, even though unlike them she wouldn’t have any help available to help her sort her own feelings on the matter. It was easier, albeit not very healthy, to ignore her feelings for now, and tell herself that she would deal with things when she had the time. For now, other issues would simply have to take precedence, which was a neat excuse for the fact that she wanted to avoid her own feelings, but if she could avoid all else, she could also avoid thinking of it in this terms, and maintain a frail balance that would allow her to keep going.

\---

It was strange, trying to treat Teyla as a patient again after their conversation before they left Atlantis. She knew how to be professional, of course, and she doubted that if anyone was looking at their interaction they would have suspected anything was different, but she felt different.

Kate was still trying to ignore her own feelings, allowing everyone else’s problems to take precedence over them in her mind, but seeing Teyla so obviously distressed, especially because of such serious symptoms as hallucinations, was bringing them all back to the surface, and she couldn’t allow that to happen.

With Dr. Weir suffering from symptoms too, they were at risk for an epidemic, either because the cause itself was affecting multiple people, or because they were experiencing psychosomatic symptoms. In either case, things would be complicated, and she would have a lot of work to do, so she couldn’t worry about her own feelings. It was a neat and logical rationalization, after all, compartmentalizing was the key to living in high-stress situations. Of course, it would only be true if she reserved the time to analyze what she was feeling once the crisis had passed, which she wouldn’t do, but it allowed her to ignore the problem for a little longer.

With each passing moment she could see more clearly that she no longer had the objectivity to treat Teyla, but she didn’t want to admit that to herself, let alone to Teyla, or one of the new additions to her recently formed staff, brought together when she was finally forced to admit that one person alone couldn’t deal with the mental health of an entire city, even if it was the size of a small village. Perhaps admitting that was the first step she had to take to accept that she couldn’t remain so alone, that having to keep her distance from everyone was taking its toll on her own health and that it could have dire consequences in the future. Everyone needed someone they could count on, and she had no one, because of her own choices. Perhaps soon would come the time where this would change, but that time wouldn’t be now, not when Teyla was seeing things that no one could explain and fantastic notions as being trapped in between planes of existence started to sound more and more plausible. No, once again she would push that problem away, hoping that one day she would have the time to deal with it, or even better, that she never had to truly face it.

\---

When Kate heard of what had happened, Teyla was still trapped inside that modified Wraith device. Rematerializing people was a slow and complicated process, since each person needed to receive medical attention, and they needed to be kept calm while waiting for explanations to be given, which for the sake of brevity would only happen in full after all of them had been taken from the device. Kate was called, of course, to ensure that they maintained calm and obeyed the instructions, and it was only after she was down on the planet that she learnt that Teyla was trapped along with all the surviving population of that world.

She had to be professional, couldn’t allow her worry to be noticeable. The whole point of not having a relationship was that she needed to be a rock for everyone that needed her, and couldn’t bring her own problems into this. Keeping one thousand people calm when they came back, one by one, to a world destroyed and learnt that half of those selected to be saved never had a chance of getting to the station, wasn’t an easy task, nor it was one that could be performed while distracted, so she had to tell herself not to think about Teyla. Thinking meant worrying and wanting to see if every new person taken from the device was her and not concentrating and wondering how long it would take them to free her and imagining increasingly improbable scenarios where something went wrong and not doing her job. These people needed her help, and to help them she had to be calm.

She didn’t even see Teyla when she was finally freed, because Kate was busy dealing with a mother who had just heard that the other capsule, where her son was, had been destroyed along with the planet. By the time Kate heard that Teyla was safe, she had already been taken back to Atlantis, to be treated of the wounds sustained before she was trapped. It was better like this, she wouldn’t have been able to hide her worry if she had seen Teyla be carried away in a gurney. As it was, it was already hard enough not to ask to go back to Atlantis to check on her, to see with her own eyes if Teyla was all right.

When Kate returned to Atlantis, after what felt like one of the longest days of her life, Teyla had already been moved to observation. She couldn’t fight the impulse to go see her, even though she thought Teyla might already be sleeping.

She wasn’t. Teyla was still awake, and saw Kate as soon as she stepped in the infirmary.

“Teyla, it’s good to see that you are well.”

Teyla nodded. “The process wasn’t pleasant, but I should be able to return to work tomorrow. What are you doing here?”

Kate blushed slightly, and placed a strand of hair behind her ear, embarrassed. She didn’t have a good excuse. “I was worried about you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Kate sat down at the chair by Teyla’s bed. “I was thinking that perhaps we should talk, but if you are too tired now, we can do that later.”

Teyla shook her head. “No, I’m fine. What do you want to talk about?”

Kate was fidgeting, trying to find a way to verbalize the conflict in her mind. “I’ve said in the past that a person in my position couldn’t have the luxury of a romantic relationship, especially since every person in Atlantis is technically under my care, and as such I have a doctor-patient relationship with everyone here, which demands a certain distance to be kept. Perhaps I didn’t realize at the time how much of a burden that would be, or how alone and alienated that would make me feel, but it was the way things needed to be at the time. However, after the last personnel increase, that gave me a staff, that didn’t need to be truth anymore. I’ve gained the option of directing any patient that I was too close to one of my colleagues, but I fear I have been hiding behind that only excuse to keep people away, because I’ve gotten used to keeping my distance,” she paused, at lost as to what to say next. She didn’t come here thinking of talking about this, even though she knew now that things couldn’t remain as they were, and it was hard, putting to words something that she avoided thinking about.

“What do you mean by this?” Teyla asked when the silence was extended for too long.

“I care about you, in a way that already makes it difficult to maintain the professionalism that is required of me, so I think it’s no longer adequate that I remain as your doctor. This is not an easy decision to make, I don’t like terminating a relationship with a patient if it can be avoided, but I think that if I don’t do this, I’ll be fooling myself into thinking that I don’t have any feelings for you when this just isn’t true.”

Teyla nodded, understanding. “If this is what you feel is best, I respect your judgment. I’m sure your colleagues are greatly qualified or else they wouldn’t have been chosen to come here.”

“That being said, once the professional conflict is set aside, this issue becomes a personal one. I know that I discouraged you in the past, and I’ll understand if it’s too late or if this simply isn’t something that you want, but I would like to see if we could work together. You and me. Romantically.” She laughed, nervous. “Sorry, this isn’t something that I’m very good at.”

Teyla smiled, reassuring, and reached to grab Kate’s hand with hers. “I would like that.”

\---

Being in contact with a Wraith Queen’s mind affected Teyla in ways she couldn’t have predicted. It wasn’t just the way she lost control of her own body, although that certainly played a part in it. Not being able to stop your body from moving against your will and acting in ways that will jeopardize the lives of everyone around you was already terrifying enough on its own, and it wasn’t an experience that she would soon like to repeat, but there was so much more to it.

The Queen’s mind was strong, and old, almost too old for her to be able to comprehend with her limited perspective of time. It was overwhelming, the weight of sharing in that long a life, and she had felt as if the Queen could have crushed Teyla’s mind and completely obliterated it if she so wished, even if in the end that proved itself to be not true and Teyla was able to defeat her.

Still, it was a traumatic experience, exacerbated by the guilt she felt over the consequences of the Queen’s actions. People had died because she failed to fight her off the first time, and there was nothing she could do to change that. It was like returning to the first few times she tried connecting with the Wraith, when the attack on the city was imminent, that same fear of her mind not being her own, of her body not being her own. It was something that she hoped she would never have to feel again, but she feared she wouldn’t have such luck.

She tried not to let her distress show. They all had problems, they all faced more traumatic experiences than any person should, they were all subjected on a daily basis to things that they would rather avoid. She didn’t feel that she should seek any special treatment over it, and denying the problem or otherwise trying to deal with it without the interference of others was the preferred method of coping in all of Atlantis.

She tried not to withdraw from her friends, as that would make it evident that she was shaken by what happened, but she didn’t seek them out as often as normally would either, and that was making her feel lonelier, and worsening the impression of alienation that the contact with the Queen’s mind had left her with.

Luckily for her, Kate refused to be pushed away. She didn’t try to analyze Teyla’s conduct, as that would be a violation of the change in conditions that allowed their relationship to start in the first place, but she couldn’t pretend that she didn’t saw the signs of psychological distress either, nor could she completely refrain from acting on that knowledge. However, she had to act as girlfriend, not as therapist, and that was a foreign position to her, and one that she couldn’t navigate as well.

Kate tried to be close whenever possible, and occupied Teyla’s free time, limited as it was, with anything she could think of that could help the other relax, and she tried never to let Teyla sleep alone. Before the incident with the Queen happened, they didn’t use to spend this much time together, as for both of them their lack of free time meant that not much could be dedicated to a single relationship, with the risk of that becoming the only thing they had other than work, so Teyla had to notice what Kate was doing, but she didn’t seem to mind.

Teyla thought it was sweet, actually, that Kate cared about her so much, and that helped, even if she would prefer if Kate didn’t see her when she woke up in the middle of the night screaming and sweating, after having a nightmare that the Queen was back inside her mind, forcing her to act against her will.

In the nightmares, the Queen’s control over her body was far greater than it had been in reality, and the consequences of her actions direr. She would see herself sabotaging the ZPM and causing the city to explode, shooting John, Ronon, and Rodney during a mission and leaving their bodies abandoned to rot alone in forgotten planet, strangling Kate in her sleeping without even giving her a chance to fight back. They felt more real than any dream had the right to feel, and when she woke up, she always needed a moment to think before she realized that none of that really happened, that her friends were safe, that she hadn’t done anything she couldn’t live with.

But Kate was there when that happened, and seeing her alive and well helped Teyla remember that it was all a dream and that everything was fine. She allowed Kate to hug her, to rock her body back and forward soothingly when Teyla was still too shocked from what she had seen to talk, to caress her hair and whisper against her ear that everything would be all right.

Teyla wasn’t used to being comforted, but it was something that Kate was teaching her to accept. With her, she didn’t need to be so strong all the time, she was allowed to have weaknesses and even cry, and she wouldn’t be judged for it. And she did the same for Kate when she needed it; since Kate had to deal with everyone’s problems and remain strong, Teyla was the one she could expose herself to and be human. It was a fine balance of giving and accepting comfort, and one that they still had to perfect, as both were more used to only one of those things, but it was a work in progress that was quickly becoming essential to their lives. With all the stress of fighting a war with no end in sight, having someone they could count on to help them was like finding a refuge, and it was something that both of them gave great value to.

\---

Kate didn’t know how she got there, or what was happening, and that only added to the panic. She was in one of the towers, standing on the edge, but she couldn’t make herself step back to safety. She was terrified of heights, had always been, ever since she was a little girl. The psychologist in her knew that that fear was most likely symbolic, that being afraid of heights and falling was more often than not a representation for the fear of dying. Of course, the cause could also be that incident in her childhood, the summer she spent trapped inside because of a broken leg after falling from a tree. Those seconds between the twig breaking under her and the impact with the ground were terrifying, a hollow and cold sensation sometimes replicated in her worst nightmares.

A nightmare, this was like a nightmare, but it felt more real than any nightmare she had experienced before. It was a nightmare made real, so real, and she was sure that falling would mean death. If she could just step away from the edge, she could return to safety, but she couldn’t make herself move. She was barely holding on, trying to balance herself, and feared that if she tried to step down, she would fall to her death. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew she couldn’t hold on for much longer.

She needed help, but she was all alone. She yelled, calling out for help, but there didn’t seem to be anyone around. She didn’t know what to do, panic was growing in her, and she was running out of time. When she thought she couldn’t keep herself balanced anymore, she saw Teyla.

“Kate?” Teyla asked worried. “What are you doing?”

Kate didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t explain that she didn’t know what was happening, and all she could think about was how scared she was. “I don’t want to die!”

“Good. Come down from there,” Teyla said soothingly, while slowly, carefully approaching Kate.

Kate tried to move towards her, knowing that safety was just a few inches away, but she was paralyzed by fear. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Teyla asked, stepping a little closer.

Kate wanted nothing more than to go to her, but fear was stronger. She couldn’t do this alone, couldn’t fight against the panic alone. “Help me, please!”

Teyla started walking in her direction, but John Sheppard appeared out of thin air and held her.

“John, stop it! Stop it! I have to help her!” she said, trying to fight him, trying to push him away from her.

John just stood there, smiling with a dark edge to it, and continued to block her path. Kate tried to move towards Teyla again, but she couldn’t, it was too much.

“What are you doing? John, get out of the way!” Teyla said, fighting John.

“Teyla! Teyla!” Kate yelled, terrified, trying to reach for her.

“Kate!” Teyla yelled, trying to reach past John to grab Kate’s hand.

Kate screamed, falling back. And there it was, that same hollow and cold feeling again, just like when she was a child. The falling was worse than the impact could be, because the impact would end everything in an instant, but while she was falling there was no limit to her suffering. She was sure that this was it, that she was going to die, the fall was too big for her to survive.

And then she stopped falling.

Teyla had finally pushed John away, and managed to grab Kate’s wrist before she was beyond reach. “Kate!” Teyla used all her strength to pull her over the edge and back to safety.

John was gone now, and they were alone in the balcony, kneeling on the floor and breathing heavily from the effort. Kate hugged Teyla, desperate for comfort. Now that the immediate danger had passed, Kate could finally think again. Nothing about this situation made any sense, she couldn’t remember how she got there or why she would put herself in such position, and John had no reason to stop Teyla from saving her. When she realized what was happening, she woke up.

Teyla was shaking her desperately, calling her with an urgent tone.

“Teyla?” Kate asked, disoriented for a moment.

Teyla pulled Kate to her arms. “Oh, Kate, I was so scared. You were screaming and I couldn’t wake you up.”

Kate hugged her back, taking comfort from the real Teyla as she had from the one in her mind. She knew now what had happened, and knew that Teyla wasn’t really there with her, but she couldn’t help but think that Teyla had somehow saved her, that her presence by her side gave Kate the strength she needed to fight off her fear. “It was in me, the entity,” she finally said, her voice shaky.

Kate wasn’t with her when Teyla was affected by the nightmares; she had been working late, trying to find a solution to the problem of suppressing the Wraith personality when turning Wraith into humans, for the case they tried to use that alternative again in the future, even though every attempt so far was disastrous, and when she decided to call it a night, Teyla would be asleep already, so Kate went to her own room alone. Now, she was glad that this night Teyla had come to hers, because she didn’t think she would have been able to deal with that nightmare alone.

With Teyla there to support her, she quickly regained her calm. The fear that came with the nightmare was still there, but she felt safe. With all that came with their work, fear and stress were inevitable, but as long as she had Teyla as a safe haven, she knew she would be just fine.


End file.
